I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.
But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.
And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.
We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.
So I came across that post about Anxiety and when you say "I can't" and what other people think you mean. I posted it on facebook because there are people there that never understood my anxiety and I thought it would help. Well my grandfather responded to it:
Grandfather:How about "I haven't tried that before," or "I didn't know that I could do that!"
Me:When it comes to anxiety, for me at least, thinking "I haven't tried that" or "I didn't know I could do that" while trying to stay calm and not panic is extremely difficult and far from the first thing that crosses my mind. Most of the things that trigger my anxiety I have done plenty of times, so I know I can do it but that knowledge doesn't effect my reaction to the situation. There are lots of things in life that I'm afraid to do, or that scare me to think about, but I do it anyway knowing how poorly I will react to it. Successfully accomplishing a task I'm afraid to do doesn't always make the anxiety go away, it sometimes makes it worse and even more afraid to do the same thing again another time. So when I decide to say "I can't" do something, it means that in my current situation or state of mind, I really can't do it.
Grandfather:I am totally unable to address any area of anxiety because I have not experienced that feeling, or if I have it has been so long ago that I have forgotten. But since I can hear, and am a good listener, I think there are other things one might hear, such as " perhaps you need someone to talk with." I have read and studied about the power of positive thinking, and I know that it works miracles. What I do not know is how to change one's thinking/ feeling process from anxiety to positive attitude. It is confusing as to why those with so much talent and intelligence should ever have such doubts. Those of us that know you, know how gifted you are; maybe you need to listen closer to our version of you.
Me:I wouldn't say my anxiety is an issue because I dwell too much on the negative. In fact, I am a rather positive person who has learned to accept that bad things can happen and thats okay. I only know the situations that trigger my anxiety, I don't know exactly why I feel the way I do. Perhaps it can be due to negative thinking, but when it gets so bad I have a panic attack, my thoughts are like they always are. I am not thinking the worst will happen, in face I know that most of the time the worst is least likely to happen. If I were to take a guess at what the dominate emotion was before and during a panic attack, I would say fear. Now the big question is, what am I afraid of? I can think rationally, but the main message I get is that i'm afraid of something; so afraid that it makes me physically ill. All I want to do is get away from the situation and find someplace safe and quiet, go someplace where the fear may gradually fade away and I can function properly again. Now, can the fear be caused by negativity? Maybe. Am I thinking negative thoughts when it happens or before it happens? Not necessarily. I have thoughts like "i want to go home and lay under my covers" because home is safety, and I don't feel safe at the time of panic. I think things like "I know this will get better and go away eventually, but I have to deal with it right now and it sucks." I don't go to counsellors anymore because they don't help me. Everything they have ever told me I already knew, and I even say to myself when i'm panicking. It does not make me feel any better at the time. I think my positivity and lack of negativity is because I know myself very well. I know my limitations, I know what triggers my anxiety, I know what I can handle with anxiety included, and what I need to leave alone and not approach right now. I have lived with panic attacks since I first left for college, and I have learned to deal with it. I may not know the exact thing that triggers it, but I know the situation. So I go into situations that I know can trigger it with caution and I always ask myself the important question of "is it worth it?" I know how other people view me, some good some bad, but I try not to pay much attention other peoples views of me. If I did, I would care too much what others thought and try to hard to please others and making them happy instead of focussing on what is actually important. I do care what people think, I wish I didn't sometimes because from my experience it will only cause unnecessary damage. Should I see a therapist? Probably. Do I want to? No. But not because I'm ashamed of anything; after all, Einstein had a therapist. I just don't think they will be able to do anything for me. I have seen councilors plenty of times. I talk a lot, which can sometimes help. But as far as getting advice goes, I have rarely ever heard something from a councilor that worked or that I didn't already know.
Me:I am not a negative person, I just accept that bad things can and often do happen; and that's okay. I have bad days, but I get through them and that is exactly what I tell myself on those days. Not once do I have negative thoughts at those times that go beyond "well this sucks but it'll be better in a little bit."
Me:To sum up the anxiety bit: my anxiety is fear, and perhaps fear of a lack of a secure place to retreat to if it becomes necessary. It gets triggered a lot when I am traveling and am thinking about where I will sleep that night. Because my bed is safe. My bed is my space. I can recharge and rest in my bed. No one will bother me once I'm in my bed. So perhaps it is fear of a lack of a safe place to retreat to. I'm not social, I don't enjoy extended periods of social interaction or being surrounded by people, I need that space. At the end of the day, having that space is my number one priority.
Me:I don't like being afraid, especially to the point of physical illness; no one does. It is hard to conquer fear, but it is even hard to conquer a fear of something unknown. I have been trying to figure out what I am so afraid of for years, but I have yet to find an answer.
He has always been a bit old fashioned and has kind of insulted my sister on stupid things and he seems to have a hard time understanding certain concepts. I tried to explain it the best I could, this is based off of my own experience with anxiety and panic attacks. I just posted that last response, so I don't know what he's going to say next, but I don't know what else to say to explain it to him.
“Your voice sounds completely different in different languages. It alters your personality somehow. I don’t think people get the same feeling from you. The rhythm changes. Because the rhythm of the language is different, it changes your inner rhythm and that changes how you process everything.
When I hear myself speak French, I look at myself differently. Certain aspects will feel closer to the way I feel or the way I am and others won’t. I like that—to tour different sides of yourself. I often find when looking at people who are comfortable in many languages, they’re more comfortable talking about emotional stuff in a certain language or political stuff in another and that’s really interesting, how people relate to those languages.”—François Arnaud, for Interview Magazine (via gilbertnorrell)
today at work i had two hours between shifts so i was sitting on my laptop rereading brothers by eatthebunny and later when i was lifeguarding an old woman walked up to me and was like ‘Honey what were you doing on your computer earlier? You had the most beautiful…
tony joking that he only married steve for his body and steve insisting that he only married tony for his money and then both of them staring lovingly into each other’s eyes until the ppl around them make gagging noises
“Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, ‘It unscrews the other way.’”
Infamous 3rd year “My father will hear about this” Draco refusing to participate in Lupin’s class on boggarts because the whole thing is ridiculous but when it’s his turn he walks up to the wardrobe and Lucius Malfoy steps out
The villain has the hero at gunpoint. Everything seems lost. Then the hero has an amazing idea: Make them talk. So the hero says “Now since I am as good as dead, tell me: Why are you doing this?” The villain smiles and shoots him.